i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize