what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
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The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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