I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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