there's paper in my vomit.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
God, I missed his penis.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
