The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
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You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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