The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
