We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You left your phone here
Wait...
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