i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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