There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
