I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
