ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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