I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
