your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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