I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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