she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
