the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Rumble strips road head = magical
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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