dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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