felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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