Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
