She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
