my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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