Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
