Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You can't motorboat a personality
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
