I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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