i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
