A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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