I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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