oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
