So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.