So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots