I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
