connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
