We're like a lot better than the average bears
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
