Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
