I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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