I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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