im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
