If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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