PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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