hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
