Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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