You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
