At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
