Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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