if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
