ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
