My hand turned me down
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
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there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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