Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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