Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
