Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
