my phone needs a breathalizer
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
someone owes me an orgasm
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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