I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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