i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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